Monday, October 19, 2015

The next step of my journey; fitting the puzzle pieces

In about two weeks, I will embark on the next step of my journey as a counselor; I am venturing out of the confines of an agency to begin in private practice as well as doing some contracting work for other organizations.  To put it mildly, I am terrified.  I will be leaving the comforts of a steady paycheck and support of a community of co-workers to enter what is hopefully a more lucrative opportunity in the long run both financially for my family as well as emotionally.  My hope as well is that I will be able to spend more time at home with my boys during their childhood and have more quality time with my husband.  Only time will tell but for now I have to trust my gut and the process.  This was not an easy decision for me but several experiences in the last year have lead me to make this decision.  I am thankful for those experiences because while they were painful and difficult, they have provided me with growth, insight and courage to make healthy choices for my personal and professional life.

I believe, that in order to be a "good" counselor, I must be continually evaluating my professional identity, choices, experiences and looking for places where I can grow and learn.  In the past, I may have haphazardly looked through some tough experiences instead of wading in and sometimes sitting in them to grow and better myself.

As many of you know, I lost a friend and co-worker a little over a month ago through suicide.  Not a single day has gone by since that time that I have not thought of Bryan throughout my day and pondered my purpose as a mental health counselor, my own mental health and how his life has impacted my own.  It has truly sucked to put it lightly.  His friendship was invaluable to me.  His humor and insight unparalleled.  His ability to sense the support that his friends needed and provide comfort as well as his knowledge were something that now he is gone, I truly understand his impact on my life.  I think often of how, as his friend, I could have better supported and helped him in his journey and the pain he was experiencing.  I think of how often we, as mental health professionals, put ourselves on the back burner because we are so busy helping others, do not know how to ask for help (or feel funny asking for help) and often fight our own demons without the support we need because we put so may other things first instead of reaching for the hands that love us and care about us in our darkest hours.  In starting to climb out of the rabbit hole that I have fallen into since Bryan died, I began to think about what I consider my "peace" and how I can grow into making "peace" part of my everyday to better my journey here on Earth.  When I sit outside in nature, I can reflect on life and I feel peace.  I believe people that I have lost in my life, including Bryan, are there with me during those times.  I believe they are helping to push me to look at how I can grow, learn and become healthier.  In writing this, I believe that in part, Bryan himself, has pushed me into the next step of growth for my professional journey as I was wavering.  I don't think that this makes the loss of him any easier but it does provide me with some comfort that even in his tragic death, my remembrance of him is part of my growth.  So as I close for this piece of the puzzle, I want to acknowledge my thankfulness to Bryan for catapulting me into a place that I needed to explore but was wavering.  Thank you for causing me to re-examine my purpose and happiness as a mental health clinician and take the time to continue the journey of growth that is essential in all aspects of life.  I can picture him slapping his hands on his cargo pants, sipping his coffee, nodding his head, kindly laughing and saying "I think you are catching on now, Brie".