Your Eyes are Open but Are you Really Seeing?

For some reason when I begin to tap into the core of my emotions, instead of forging forward, I run - backwards, sideways, away, every which way but forward.  I haven't figured out where the fear is coming from but it's evident that it's fueling my flight.  How is it that I have what I consider a pretty damn good perception of why and where emotions from every other person on the planet stem from but I can't quiet the silent roar in my mind to figure out my own?  Fluxing emotions without warning are not a newsflash to me - they've always seemed like a natural part of my makeup.  I am slowly learning to reign them in; cautiously or should I say more cautiously, allow their arrivals and departures from my internal turmoil.  Learning to give my emotions not only a voice but a purpose that makes sense.  The quiet of my guidance is slowly resurrecting my soul.  How I have missed the pen and paper but continue to fear the unknown.  My purpose on this journey is not undiscovered, perhaps just unknown to me.  My eyes are open but I don't know if I have ever really stopped to see.  Here's to hoping that my eyes focus and begin to see and accept what has always been in front of me.

Mischief Managed....I AM the Luckiest

It's been quite a while since I have connected with my blog - many things have changed in my life and I suppose the best way to "catch up" is to write about those changes. 

One of the most monumental changes has been our wedding.  Steve and I were married, finally, on August 6, 2011 at the Kalamazoo Air Zoo.  The days leading up to our wedding were definitely muddled and stressful.  Certain people tried their best to make this special time for us a stressful, muddled mess.  However, despite a massive stress migraine during the rehearsal dinner, Saturday, August 6, 2011 turned out to be a magical day.  We decided to have pictures taken before the ceremony in order to have as much time to enjoy the ceremony and our guests as possible after the wedding.  There were definitely some huge hiccups throughout the day, but none of those really mattered to Steve and I. 

The first day of our honeymoon at Mackinaw Island, we sat together and talked about how surreal the ceremony was to both of us.  It was the most awesome and yet strange experience we have both had in our lives.  If you have ever seen a picture of a ballet dancer in motion, completing pirouettes across the floor with dancers moving around her, you might have a slight indication of how we felt. 

From my perspective, as my bridesmaids were walking down the aisle, I was standing with my Dad talking about how we would make sure to make one another laugh while we were walking down the aisle to keep from crying.  As soon as Joshua Radin's "They Bring Me to You" began to play, the only other person that existed in that room was Steve.  Listening to this song continues to bring me to joyful tears because I think it is perfection of mine and Steve's relationship to this point, yet, on that day, it only made me smile.  If someone could have taken a picture of my heart, it would have been swollen and grinning with happiness.  I felt my Dad's hand enveloping mine as we walked, I saw people's faces smiling at me, but they were all like floating heads or balloons - it was very strange.  I saw Steve waiting for me at the front and while the walk was short I felt like it was slow motion.  The ceremony itself was beautiful and again, while I saw glimpses of our family and friends surrounding us, it really felt like Steve and I were the only two people present - the rest were playing on a movie screen in the background or something.  As we read our vows to one another, I could see Steve's best man and best friend, Craig, grinning at me, and if I was nervous it would have put me at ease, but I felt so calm and at peace and right standing up there with Steve.  Now granted the microphone chose a very opportune time to scream at me during my vows and apparently several people thought I was "with child" because I told Steve how excited I was to see the father he would be to our future children, but those moments added to the beautiful memories of the day. 

Our DJ must have smoked something pretty good that day and somehow managed to begin our first dance with MJ's "The Way You Make Me Feel" as opposed to Ben Fold's "The Luckiest" but once we got the right song we both knew WE were the LUCKIEST =)  We barely touched our food because we were in awe of the day and completely excited to finally be celebrating us.  Despite our DJ trying to put everyone to sleep with elevator music during dinner and also announcing that "BrieAnna is now DATING her Dad" instead of dancing, Joe Cocker's "Days Like This" was a perfect reflection of my Dad and I - we were happy, talking and laughing as we were dancing to a song that reminded me of my Dad's heart. 

I wanted to be sure to preserve some of the most precious memories of this wonderful day, so thanks for letting me share.  To those of you that love and support us together, THANK YOU for being there to celebrate such a wonderful day with us! 

I am here

I am not quite sure where to begin pick up.  It has been so long since I have been connected with myself; with what I have enjoyed that I am not even sure I remember.  I feel like some people in my life over the past five years have sucked the marrow out of my being like deatheaters.  They have left me feeling weak and weary and unmotivated to move forward.  Who the hell are they to take anything from me?  I want to scream and swear and tell them to go find a hobby or perhaps take some time to look at themselves instead of using a microscope to harass me.  I am angry and resentful, wanting retribution, but recognizing that my heart needs healing and peace instead. 


This is my starting point for healing and peace.  So, I guess for now, it's day one.  My best effort at regaining my footing; what makes "Brie" Brie, begins here.  No promises.  No expectations.  It just will be whatever it is. 


I am slightly apprehensive of what my hand will unlock in my heart once I start really digging deep in my writing - things that used to be at the core of my makeup and are now locked tightly somewhere in the crevices of my mind/heart/soul and they have been there for a long time .  The cobwebs need a thorough rinsing in order for me to see clearly what my core once was or perhaps the hazy sight is the beginnings of building a new, older, wiser Brie? I think that is a fat chance but at this point, who knows. 


The depression has been here for a while - I somewhat welcome it like an old friend - I know him well and he seems to enjoy my company.  He causes me great pain and physical issues but for some reason, like a love story gone awry, I can't seem to let him go.  He has made me believe in some twisted way I need him.  I am a counselor, I know , TRUST ME, I know, yet, I still struggle to really SEE.   I recognize I must serve him his eviction papers but I think I should do so slowly and gently.  That way, perhaps, I can avoid a rapid meltdown and transition slowly into  me again, whoever the hell that is.  The tears, the damn, hot, salty tears are frequent already.  It's quite ridiculous the things that cause me to cry these days.  But, tears bring sleep and quiet my anxious mind so I let them keep coming.  I feel better after each cry.  Perhaps the amount of time of my feeling better will increase substantially the more tears I allow to be released...at least that is what I am going to continue to tell myself for now. 


 I do not want anyone to tell me it will get better - because quite frankly, I felt that would happen when I left my last place of employment and now see that it landed me in an even more emotionally exhaustive place.  I know it could be so much worse, too.  I know.  Maybe one day it will be different, but my reality and perspective are a tab bit askew from anyone else and right now I am here. 


I am HERE. 


And you know what, today that is best that I've got and I am OK with that.