I am here

I am not quite sure where to begin pick up.  It has been so long since I have been connected with myself; with what I have enjoyed that I am not even sure I remember.  I feel like some people in my life over the past five years have sucked the marrow out of my being like deatheaters.  They have left me feeling weak and weary and unmotivated to move forward.  Who the hell are they to take anything from me?  I want to scream and swear and tell them to go find a hobby or perhaps take some time to look at themselves instead of using a microscope to harass me.  I am angry and resentful, wanting retribution, but recognizing that my heart needs healing and peace instead. 


This is my starting point for healing and peace.  So, I guess for now, it's day one.  My best effort at regaining my footing; what makes "Brie" Brie, begins here.  No promises.  No expectations.  It just will be whatever it is. 


I am slightly apprehensive of what my hand will unlock in my heart once I start really digging deep in my writing - things that used to be at the core of my makeup and are now locked tightly somewhere in the crevices of my mind/heart/soul and they have been there for a long time .  The cobwebs need a thorough rinsing in order for me to see clearly what my core once was or perhaps the hazy sight is the beginnings of building a new, older, wiser Brie? I think that is a fat chance but at this point, who knows. 


The depression has been here for a while - I somewhat welcome it like an old friend - I know him well and he seems to enjoy my company.  He causes me great pain and physical issues but for some reason, like a love story gone awry, I can't seem to let him go.  He has made me believe in some twisted way I need him.  I am a counselor, I know , TRUST ME, I know, yet, I still struggle to really SEE.   I recognize I must serve him his eviction papers but I think I should do so slowly and gently.  That way, perhaps, I can avoid a rapid meltdown and transition slowly into  me again, whoever the hell that is.  The tears, the damn, hot, salty tears are frequent already.  It's quite ridiculous the things that cause me to cry these days.  But, tears bring sleep and quiet my anxious mind so I let them keep coming.  I feel better after each cry.  Perhaps the amount of time of my feeling better will increase substantially the more tears I allow to be released...at least that is what I am going to continue to tell myself for now. 


 I do not want anyone to tell me it will get better - because quite frankly, I felt that would happen when I left my last place of employment and now see that it landed me in an even more emotionally exhaustive place.  I know it could be so much worse, too.  I know.  Maybe one day it will be different, but my reality and perspective are a tab bit askew from anyone else and right now I am here. 


I am HERE. 


And you know what, today that is best that I've got and I am OK with that.