It has been so long since I have felt comfortable in my own skin that I know this journey is going to be a long re-connecting with my true self process. I was trying to think back to the last point in my life where I liked my self physically and felt confident in my abilities emotionally. I do not remember. That makes me really sad. I can't quite think about when I started to be so down on myself and quick to point out my physical flaws but I have noticed my increasing negativity. I am envious of those that are physically beautiful yet lack intrinsic motivation to better myself. Depression at it's best I suppose. I am surprised that people even want to be around me still. I am grateful that my friends and family haven't given up on me and love me enough to continue to trudge through this mud with me. Lately this mud has really felt like quicksand that I can't get a hand out of to reach solid ground. Even if I could reach solid ground, I think that my grasp to hold on would be so weak at this time I would just slip back into the quicksand. My ability to focus on anything has dwindled to mere minutes and my patience and understanding has probably gone out the door with it. I need to change, I need to feel better and thus I have started this journey.
In beginning this new journey of healing I began to think that in order to reconnect with my writing I probably also need to re-connect with the things (the heartstrings) that defined and fulfilled my life. I thought about how I would go about doing this and I guess to start I am going to free write a list of things I used to enjoy and perhaps begin to write about one thing at a time from there on out. Who knows if it will be of comfort to me but if nothing else, the triggering of memories may motivate me to move forward on this journey instead of sitting on the sidelines watching the movies of everyone else's lives pass me by.
When I close my eyes and contemplate the things I enjoyed in life, so many images, sounds, touches and smells come flooding back into my memory.
*The very first thing I think of is ballet - the touch of the satin on my pointe shoes, the noise of the dance studio and the feeling that I belonged. For almost 13 years of my life - the studio was the one place where I felt like I had friends and people liked me because I was Brie.
*The summer time in St. Claire Shores. The smell of fresh cut grass after the morning dew has dried by the sun. The bike rides with Dad to the pier at Blossom Heath - stopping off for a New York Seltzer (do they make those anymore?) and a bag of chips. Fishing off the pier. Listening to the small waves lap against the pier pillars.
*The days spent at the library with Mom and Jade. Checking out 80 books every two weeks and reading until our eyelids closed on us at night.
Writing - all the time - any way I could about anything that came to mind.
Camping - spending days immersed in the natural beauty of our planet.
Laughing - I mean really laughing - finding something humorous and laughing so hard I am brought to tears and my belly hurts and my face aches from smiling too much.
Rollerblading
Swimming
Playing Soccer
Ice Skating
Making things - crafts and gifts for people. Creating.
Naming pets
Hugs and snuggling
Game nights and evenings in
Red wine
Naps on a rainy afternoon
I believe this list will be a web of ever flowing memories that I will add to and write about throughout this process.
Cheers to the journey of making sense of my own mind and the paths I have chosen to travel in the past several years....Trudging through the mud off the beaten path in my best attempt to create my own new and beautiful path.
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